Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
