I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
