At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
