woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
