Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
