It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
