He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
