Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
