Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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