so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
