Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I smell stomach acid.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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