Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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