I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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