saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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