So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
