ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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