I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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