I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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