I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
