So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
