careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
