dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He has the fingertips of a God
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
