sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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