I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
