don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
