If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
