maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
