sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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