I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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