you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
