mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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