Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
