I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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