Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
