I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
This is the high leading the old right now
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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