She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
