i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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