Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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