I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
