dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
