The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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