I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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