I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
