i already hear my dad disowning me
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So vagazzling was a success
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
