I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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