Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
