So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
