she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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