i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She's just so happy...and so naked.
This baby is an asshole
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You need Xanax blowdarts
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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