meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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