I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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