I faked an abortion last night.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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