what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My pussy is not your playground.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
