My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
