I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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